


In a field of lilac

by iskra667



Category: Glee
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-24
Updated: 2011-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-27 23:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iskra667/pseuds/iskra667
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt and Lauren watch a movie. Puck and male celebrities are objectified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In a field of lilac

**Author's Note:**

> Contains crack, Twilight references and offensive Jewish jokes...

'Remind me why we're watching a shaky version of this on your laptop, with the shadow of that brat who can't keep still 5 minutes and dirty socks on your floor.' Kurt asked, glaring at Puck like he was the worst boyfriend ever.

 

'He's a Jew!' Lauren snorted 'You expected what? A trip to the Premiere in LA and him paying the bodyguard so you get some private time with Pattinson?'

 

'I'm not cheap! I bought him coffee on Tuesday! With one of these fancy cereal bars!' Puck protested at the same time as Kurt shrieked 'Pattinson, Please! I have some standards!'

 

'You took me to a broom cupboard on our first date.' Lauren said, staring at Puck over her glasses like a really frightening teacher.

 

Kurt let out a scandalised huff at Puck, his mouth a perfect 'O' of righteous mortification, before turning to Lauren, nodding at her in a condescending way.

 

'As much as it hurts me to say so, this happened to you because you have terrible taste in men.'

 

'Thank you, I'll be invisible.' Puck said bitterly.

 

'No, Dearest, don't be.' Kurt smiled sweetly. 'My tea needs refill. Also bring me some soy milk'.

 

'And my popcorn is cold, Puckerman!'

 

Puck sighed and went down to the kitchen, arms loaded with China teapots and cardboard buckets.

 

The others ignored him and went on with their conversation.

 

'So my taste in men, yeah?' Lauren leered, wiggling her eyebrows, clearly expecting Kurt's bitchiness to bite him back in the ass.

 

Kurt stared her down primly.

 

'It's not the whom, it's the why. You, my dear, are attracted to danger. You went after the town badass. It only ever spells trouble and disappointment.' He sighed melodramatically.

 

Lauren only smiled, waiting for him to get tangled in his own rhetoric, but Kurt stoically carried on with his exposé.

 

'Look at her!' he sighed, pointing at Kirsten Stewart on the screen 'She will end up a single mom in a trailer park in a place as cold as Canada, a bitter and twisted old maid just because she fell for the brooding, tortured, repressed aura of the town's closeted gay!'

 

'Edward is not gay!' Lauren shrieked, instinctively taking a wrestling position to defend her sweetheart's honor.

 

Kurt shot her a bitch, please! look.

 

'Any guy wearing that much body glitter is gay' he said with the certitude of the expert 'and a tacky gay, at that.'

 

'Edward is not gay, or tacky.' Lauren stared dreamily at the screen as she spoke, passion in her voice. 'He shines because he's passionate! He's tortured and intense, and you'd know all about that if you were a badass! But you're just a cute little Daddy's boy like that Jacob freak!'

 

Kurt yelped in outrage.

 

'Edward's just some idiotic self-centered teenager with freaky skin problems! Jacob, now, that's a real man! Strong, reliable, he'd pick you up in those arms and carry you to a field of lilac, and take care of all your needs like a real man!'

 

Now Kurt was leaning languidly on Puck's bed, a hand lazily stroking his own thigh, staring at Taylor Lautner with stars in his eyes.

 

Lauren cackled evilly.

 

'Boy, you'd better hurry your cute ass off to Hollywood and tap those guns before they turn to wobbly fat.'

 

Kurt nodded with a sad smile. 'Working class boys. Rough and sexy, but such a terrible diet. Junk Food. Beer.'

 

'Waffles.' Lauren supplied helpfully.

 

Kurt shot a suspicious look in direction of the door.

 

***

 

Puck put back in the kitchen drawer the printed wikipedia instructions explaining how to make tea in the proper Buckingham Palace fashion. He always forgot to heat the teapot, or didn't dose the leaves properly, and Kurt bitched at him and cut him off for 2 hours. Imagine that, 2 hours! Sadistic little bitch! But now, with those kick-ass instructions, Puck could have landed a job in the Royal kitchens fingers in the nose. But he'd rather score Hummel brownie points than serve Kate Middleton scrambled eggs for the rest of his life.

 

He loaded his tray as fast as he could, worried by shrieks filtering down from upstairs. He'd rather his boy and his Best Badass Friend do not kill each other in his room, or his Ma would bitch at him and make him cut the corpses in tiny little pieces and bury them in the backyard to feed the tomato plants.

 

He needn't have worried. When he came back in his room, Kurt and Lauren were watching the movie in companionable peace, exchanging disparaging comments about the male actors' anatomy. If Puck had remembered Rachel's tirade about 'objectification', he probably would have felt that way. As it was, he just sighed happily when Kurt pillowed himself onto his chest, tracing a thoughtful finger along his stomach.

 

Puck smirked. His boy sure went wild over his abs.

 

***

 

Alone at last!

 

Puck laid on his back obediently, as Kurt straddled his lap, playing with his belt like the wicked tease he was.

 

Kurt ran a tentative finger underneath the hem of Puck's Tshirt, then lay down to swipe a soft tongue over Puck's lower lip before nibbling it softly.

 

'About your hair...' he whispered softly, petting Puck's Mohawk.

 

'Yeah, I know.' Puck sighed 'It looks like I'm trying to grow a foxtail up there, and those only go on handbags.'

 

'Messenger bags.' Kurt corrected with a frown.

 

'… But my Ma was working a late shift, so I'll ask her to trim it tomorrow. Happy?'

 

Kurt pouted.

 

'Actually, no. I was wrong.' He admitted coyly, and Puck's jaw dropped as though it got dislocated at his fight club. Kurt Hummel _never_ admitted to being wrong.

 

'I changed my mind. I like it.' Kurt flinched slightly but went on. 'I like it so much I think you should grow _all_ your hair. It would look badass. Like a rockstar.'

 

Kurt resumed playing with Puck's belt, peppering soft kisses on his jaw, once in a while giving tiny kitten licks on the stubble. 'Will you do it for me, Noah?' he whispered breathily.

 

'Of course, Babe. Anything you want.' Puck replied instantly.

 

'Also avoid waffles for a bit. They're not very good for hair growth, I read it in Men's Health.'

 

'Sure, Babe.' Puck agreed with no hesitation. He loved waffles, but they were no match for one horny Kurt Hummel.

 

One horny Kurt Hummel who had finally gotten rid of his belt buckle and whose fingertips were now ghosting abstract patterns over the trail of dark hair disappearing into Puck's jeans.

 

'Noah...' Kurt breathed hoarsely against his lips 'Does your Ma grow lilac in your backyard?'

 

***

 

'I want to join your little club.' Lauren declared, flexing her knuckles and glaring at the assembled girls.

 

'This is a chastity club. You T-shirt reads 'Satan kissed my ass'. ' Quinn pointed out icily.

 

'It doesn't say 'Satan punched my V-card'. I'm a chaste Satanist.' Lauren deadpanned.

 

Quinn raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

 

'Look, Blondie. What's the biggest advocate for no sex before marriage right now? Your pal Jesus? No, Edward Cullen! A Vampire! A demonic creature! Telling our generation to wait for the right and only one! You got to get into the NOW vibe, if you want your little club to get more than 3 losers in it.'

 

'Boys don't count, because I'll marry a girl.' Brittany commented.

 

'Sure Sweetie.' Santana approved, patting her hand reassuringly, and glaring at anyone who dared to contradict her.

 

'OK, Bulldozer, you got a point, you're in.' she said turning to Lauren.

 

'Score!' Lauren yelped, throwing her fist up in the air. 'I'm a star in the Twilight fanclub, I'll pull some weights and get some VIPs over, you'll be wetting your panties...'

 

***

 

 _Dear Mr. Pattinson and Lautner,_

 

 _In recognition for your admirable advocacy of the noble cause of abstinence before marriage, the William Mc Kinley Chastity Club would be honored to invite you..._

 

Lauren finished spell checking her email and hit 'send' with a devilish smirk.

 

She turned to the dodgy website where one of her badass contacts had told her she could find chloroform on the black market.

 

She'd have to pay for huge doses to knock out that fat-ass Lautner, but Kurt was her boy now, so it would be too crass not to share the fun with him. Too bad he had such a lame-ass taste in men, but then, more Robert for her own enjoyment!


End file.
